I just had my first ever panic attack.
I’ve always been someone who has had control over their life. I like control. I like knowing that something is going to work out and happen the way I want and need it to. And I work damn hard to make sure of it. This is so far out of my control and I hate it. I’ve been crying for the last hour out of sheer helplessness. There is nothing I can do and I’ve been fighting back tears all day long. I sat in class and went to work and the whole time I was just thinking about how fucked up my life is and that it is completely beyond my control. I was just pacing around my apartment, sobbing, and then I couldn’t breathe. I was struggling to breathe, taking in huge wheezing breaths that weren’t filling my lungs. I got so light-headed that I knew I was going to pass out. I turned out my lights and laid down in bed trying to calm myself, reaching for and clutching to any bit of strength left that I had in me. Dane was texting me reminding me to breathe. I’ve never felt like that before. I can’t live like this and I really don’t know how much more I can take.
Tomorrow is Election Day in the United States and I think it’s going to be a big day and a lot of things depend on the outcome of tomorrows election. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m not voting. It’s not that I’m not of age, I’m 19, but I didn’t register, and I didn’t want to. Not only do I believe that the entire concept of popular vote is a hoax, but I think it’s rare to find a candidate that fully represents my ideals. No matter who you vote for, you have to sacrifice something you believe in. If I were to vote, it would be as an independent for an independent and in that case, no, my vote doesn’t matter. I also don’t agree with the perception that one set of ideals is “better” or more “right” than another. I think that both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are entitled to their own opinions and ideals and it shouldn’t have to be one set or the other that the country has to follow. I just want our country to be stable and for everyone to be happy and I don’t know if that’s possible with either candidate or ever as a result of any presidential election. I don’t think I’m an anarchist but I think people are fools to think that their vote actually matters or that they actually have a say. The government is always going to end up doing whatever it wants to do despite what the average American wants or votes for.
Danes butt in football pants is the cutest thing ever
My parents do this really cool thing where they just sit in silence staring at their computer screen, iPad, or iPhone. When anyone wants to talk to them, they pretend to listen but really they’re already engaged in something much more interesting and yet much more trivial on the internet. There are countless times when I’ve had something to say or asked something of my parents and they’ve either given me a thoughtless response, or not responded at all. Just now I went downstairs into the living room where my dad was on his computer and texting at the same time and my mom was on her iPad. I initiated conversation for a bit and then it faded away, as do most conversations with them. Then I got up and went upstairs. My dad asked where I was going and I said “to lie down” and he said, “I was talking to you- you came down here, looked out the window, and then left.” What is bizarre to me is that he actually experienced the entire situation that way because that’s all he witnessed in the interval between text and web. This actually astounds me. I will never be like that. Human interactions involve more than just sitting in the same vicinity, I think this is something he does not understand. My parents think that just sitting in the same room as me is some effortless form of bonding, but it isn’t. If anything, it makes me want to spend less time with them.
|Kayluvv:||I wanna kiss harry styles tonight|
|Me:||I wanna kiss him too|
|Kayluvv:||I think that's like all I want in life.|
Pandora just started playing Skinny Love….BY BIRDY! I was just so flustered I didn’t know what to do with my arms and I wanted to turn it off but I couldn’t get there fast enough. WHAT THE FUCK PANDORA. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.
The last couple weeks have been really hard and I’ve been trying to look past it, stay positive, focus on good energy, and not get upset. But I hate not feeling like I don’t have control over what I’m doing it my life and I can’t handle only knowing a small piece of what might happen. It’s definitely gotten to me in the past few days and I’m close to exploding. I just want to get away from everything and everyone. I want to go home and not have to worry about college or think about it. I haven’t been in the mood to do anything or talk to anyone. I’m just not happy right now. And I feel bad because I feel like I’m coming across as a bitch to people when it’s just misplaced frustration. The worst thing about this situation is that there’s just nothing I can do but try to not think about it.
1am - At midnight, I embarked on my 20hr work day. I’m an hour in and so far I have yet to lose my mind. I made some tea, it was lemon, and it doesn’t taste good and now I regret making it. The police have been stopping by every hour because some boys that live in this building have been destructive in the past week. So the only person I’ve seen tonight has been a police officer. I don’t understand people who wreck shit for no reason, just because they’re bored.
330am - I’m working on stopdrugabuse and laying on the sofa watching tv at work. i think this is the best time of day to watch tv because VH1 and MTV are both actually playing music videos and only music videos. It’s so unfortunate that they go back to their roots when no one is looking. I’m kind of tired but I can’t go to sleep until 4pm. This week is messing with my sleep schedule.
4am - I think that if I don’t end up being a teacher, I’d really like to open my own coffee/tea shop.
6am- The ridiculously photogenic guy is on Good Morning America!
12pm- i’m just bored and hungry. or i’m not hungry and i’m just confusing boredom and hunger.
8pm- Okay hey, so I worked from 12pm-4pm and my RA came and hung out with me and we talked for a long time about everything. She’s very level-headed and smart which is exactly what perspective I needed to hear from. This past week has been awful for me and she was able to mitigate some of the frustration I’ve had. By no means do I feel okay or confident or secure about my situation, nor do I even feel better about it, I can just see things a bit clearer.
I took a wonderful three and a half hour nap and now I’m back at work from 8pm to 2am. I just listened to skinny love for the first time in a while, like really listened to it rather than hearing it in the background. I forget how much I love it sometimes. But I’ll never be okay with Birdy and her cover of it and the fact that people prefer her version-it’s just not anywhere near the same level of Bon Iver.
2am - It is the end of my 20hr work day. well, it should be, but the guy that was supposed to come in…didn’t. :(
I’ll be periodically updating this.
Anyone have any thoughts on how I should pass the time?
and the sun just came up